June 27th, 2010

I did it; I finally emailed my oncologist. Dr. Kaplan asked me to contact him after June 14th about my next step in my treatment plan. I didn't want to contact him at all so I have kept finding excuses to not call or email him. I would love to bury my head in the sand but that won't help keep my cancer away for as long as possible. I gave myself the goal of emailing the good doctor by the end of this weekend. I procrastinated all day. Then I talked sternly to me and said 'Sit down and email the man.' So I did.

I have been doing some research on my next steps in treatment. It all involves more chemicals into my body, yuck. I am going to continue to focus on the positive which is one more week of treatment and then I really am done for quite a while (we hope and pray). I am hoping Seattle will have nice weather in August. I will look forward to sitting in the sun and reading good books.

I had a great party last weekend with family and friends, many from out of town. It was wonderful to laugh with people I have known for so many years. And, I am not kidding when I say we had at least 20 pounds of M&Ms' in this house. Everyone brought M&Ms' and people bought more when they got here. Did you know that the Mars Company now makes Coconut M&Ms' and Pretzel M&Ms'? We had them all this past weekend We also had brownies, bread pudding with brandy sauce, cookies, cake, and numerous other things with a high sugar content. I am now working on my no-sugar diet again. Although I think it is becoming no sugar most days not every day.

The weather for the party was perfect, sunny and warm. We sat outside and I introduced many people to Blueberry Beer. It was a great weekend and I was sad to have it end. Thank you everyone for helping me celebrate a 'no trip to Seattle in June' weekend.

I will let everyone know what Dr. Kaplan thinks would be best for my next treatment step.

This is a picture of me and some of my friends attending the weekend gathering. This black and white dress has a long history among my group of Ketchikan friends. It has been passed from person to person for about 15 years or so. . It was the perfect gift, I laughed and laughed.

Thanks for reading.

May 29th, 2010

"How are you?" I never know how to answer this question. When I first got diagnosed this was a really tough question for me. I remember being at the holiday bazaar in late November and having lots of people asking me this as a general 'hello'. I hadn't yet told any one about the cancer and I hated the question because I had to lie and tell everyone 'fine'. I finally left the bazaar because I couldn't stand hearing that question any more.

When everyone knew about the cancer and asked me that question I didn't want to answer because I didn't want to talk about cancer all the time. Now, my answer depends on who asks me the question. I either tell people I am doing okay and hanging in there or I go into more detail about my sickness from the chemo and Rituxan. The better I know the person the more details I give, usually. I still have to make a quick decision each time I hear that question. I have to decide how do I feel today and do I want to share that information.

I also don't know how to respond when people tell me happily that they are glad the cancer is gone forever. I don't want to go into details about the recurrence rate of my type of Lymphoma (100%) and they really don't want to hear it. I just smile and say something about being glad that chemo is over. I am getting good at general responses.

I did walk almost 10 miles (not all at one time) today for the Prince of Wales Island Marathon. I was on a team of seven walkers/runners. It was a long and fun day. I am thankful to be able to walk long distances. It has only been 2.5 weeks since my final chemo treatment so any distance is great. If you know someone with cancer encourage her/him to exercise several times a week it helps tremendously.

Thanks for reading.

May 13th, 2010

I am done with the chemo. It is such a relief to know that I don't have to go back to Seattle in June. I am having a big party in June, everyone is invited. I am not sure of the weekend yet but it will be towards the end of June.

I will probably have to head south again in July and/or August for discussion and then start up of my maintenance program. Right now the thought is that I will go with the radio-immunology therapy. It is the program where you get radio-active material through an IV. It takes seven days. Dr. Kaplan told me to wait until next month's National Oncology Conference before making a decision. At this conference Dr. Kaplan is hoping updated long term results will be presented from several on-going studies. It will help him help me make a decision.

Right now, I am just happy to be done. I am on a new anti-nausea drug which hopefully will work for me.

I am happy to be home with my family.

May 08, 2010

A beautiful sunny day, perfect for the opening day of baseball season. I will spend a good part of my day with baseball and I am looking forward to the excitement. Both Noah and Bryan are on the same team again and both are looking good in their skills. Dylan will be a base coach. He has already threatened his little brothers with calling them out if they don't fetch his food and drink while he is lying on the couch. The little brothers are smart enough not to believe him.

I have felt good all week. The nausea is finally gone and I have a better outlook on the day to day events in my life. I have had only one other lost dream but it was different this time. When I woke up from the dream I cried because I am so thankful for my family and friends who have held my hand through out this illness. In the dream I was lost either under a house or in the woods (I could never tell which). It was dark and I knew where I was but I needed help and I knew people were looking for me. Every so often I would see a hand come through the branches or foundation and reach out for me. Behind the hand there was always lots of light. I knew that hand belonged to someone trying to find me. When I woke up I knew that hand represented everyone who had given me a hug, words of kindness, gifts, traveled with me or in some way let me know I was in their thoughts and prayers. I tear up thinking about it now. I don't know how people go through illness alone. I would bet research would show that those surrounded by loved ones live longer than those who have to go it alone. Thank you everyone for loving me. I can never express in words how much I appreciate everyone's kindness.

I have even felt well enough this week to begin my research on my choices in the next steps of my treatment plan. I have three choices. The first is to do nothing and wait until I have symptoms of the cancer returning before I begin another treatment. The second choice it to continue my Rituxan treatment. Rituxan is supposed to stop the cancer from spreading. It is a two year plan with treatments every three months. The third choice is between two drugs called Zevalin and Bexxar. Both of these drugs are a type of radio-immunology. It is a week long treatment with IVs' and body scans. It is radiation being sent through your body through the IV and killing any cancer that may be in the body. It is tough on your body. I don't know at this point what may be the best course of action for me. Every choice has its pros and cons. I will talk to Dr. Kaplan more about my choices on my next visit. He has not recommended one choice over the other yet. It gets overwhelming to read and try to decipher all the medical jargon around these choices. I don't have to decide any time soon. The choices that require action would not begin until August or September.

Today I am going to enjoy my boys playing baseball and am looking forward to Mother's Day. I don't plan to do any household chores tomorrow.

I leave Monday for my last round of chemo, yeah! My friend, Tina will join me (thanks Tina). I am looking forward to being done.

Thanks for reading.

May 02, 2010

I feel good today. I woke up feeling good and it has lasted all day. I got several chores done and made a big dinner for the family. The kids were thrilled with the dinner. I haven't made a full meal in a long time and they were all very appreciative of the meal. Noah said it was 'awesome'.

I woke up early this morning and made coffee and then watched the movie Sherlock Holmes. I used to get up on Sundays and watch a movie with a big cup of coffee but I haven't done that in a very long time. It felt good to get back into the pre-cancer routine.

I also enjoyed walking in the sun today. It felt good to tie my raincoat around my waist and not have to put it on for the driving rain and wind. Yeah for a sunny May day (partially).

I was even able to think of my next chemo treatment without feeling sick. I don't dread it anymore. I am looking forward to getting it done so I can be done. It has been a long time since I felt well. Feeling well feels good.


It was just a good day.

April 28th, 2010

In the last two weeks I dreamed three different times that I was lost. In each dream I eventually found my way but I had to do a lot of walking or driving to find my destination. This is the first time in my life that I can recall having a recurrent dream theme. I don't know a lot about dream interpretations but I am guessing that this lost feeling has to do with my life with terminal cancer. So many decisions need to be made with cancer in mind. My last PET/CT scans showed that one of my arteries had more calcification than what is considered normal for someone who is only 46 years old. My oncologist wants to refer me to a cardiologist and initially I said okay but now I think 'why'. The scan didn't show a serious problem just more calcification than normal. That would be a problem if I lived into my eighties but people with stage 4 Lymphoma don't usually live more than 10 years after diagnosis. I would like to get some cosmetic dental work done but I think is it really worth spending the money if I don't live very long?

I know that this cancer will not kill me tomorrow, or next year, or even the year after that but that doesn't mean I won't be back in chemo treatments during any of those times. As Dr. Kaplan told me about chemo treatments "sometimes the cancer comes back in three months and we realize we didn't do chemo long enough.' No wonder I am dreaming I am lost.

I am also dreading my next chemo treatment. I was so sick this time I really don't want to go back and do it all over again. I am still getting queasy when I think of Swedish Hospital. I still haven't done any research on the Internet for my maintenance program options. I don't want to think about cancer treatments. Cancer treatments are making me sick. I was never sick from the cancer.

I need to focus on fun things. I am hoping to have a party in June celebrating the fact I don't have to go to Seattle in June. I am looking foward to Dylan's senior year and traveling with him on some of his sports trips. I am looking foward to watching my boys grow another year. I am hoping that our family will take a trip together during next year's springbreak Hopefully some where warm. Anyone want to go to Hawaii with us?

Thanks for reading.

April 19th, 2010

'Okay, long deep breath, slowly in, slowly out, and again.' That has become my mantra of the last several days. Focusing on my breathing has seemed to help with my nausea. I don't know why this last treatment has made me so sick. It has been six days and my stomach is still not behaving. I have noticed that when I drink coffee my stomach does a turn for the worst and stays that way for the rest of the day. It will be ironic if I have to give up coffee because it disagrees with me. Coffee has been my one food pleasure through all of this. It brings peace to my day, until this week. I like tea and have been drinking more lately but it isn't the same as a warm cup of coffee with a bit of Half & Half.

I have also noticed I am starting to slow down a bit in my work-out routines. Last week I was swimming and stopped for a bit several times to rest. This weekend I was walking up a hill I always walk and had to slow down towards the top. I do realize that I am still swimming and I am still walking several miles at a time and that is a very good thing. It is hard though to see myself slow down. I am not depressed about it and I understand why my body needs more rest. I would just prefer to keep swimming and walking at my same pace.

Anybody want to come party with me in June? I was thinking of having a party to celebrate the fact that I DO NOT have to go to Seattle for chemo. I would also be willing to eat milk chocolate in celebration (dark chocolate isn't my favorite but better for you).

I haven't yet got on-line and researched my options for 'next step' in my cancer treatment. I am waiting for the nausea to go away so I can research without any bias. I can't believe how the nausea can make things seems so bad. I just think of Swedish Hospital and my stomach turns a few flips. I have three choices to pick from and I will discuss those more with everyone when I have a better idea of what each would mean for me. Two options involve more medicine and the third option involves doing absolutely nothing.

Thanks for reading.