April 28th, 2010

In the last two weeks I dreamed three different times that I was lost. In each dream I eventually found my way but I had to do a lot of walking or driving to find my destination. This is the first time in my life that I can recall having a recurrent dream theme. I don't know a lot about dream interpretations but I am guessing that this lost feeling has to do with my life with terminal cancer. So many decisions need to be made with cancer in mind. My last PET/CT scans showed that one of my arteries had more calcification than what is considered normal for someone who is only 46 years old. My oncologist wants to refer me to a cardiologist and initially I said okay but now I think 'why'. The scan didn't show a serious problem just more calcification than normal. That would be a problem if I lived into my eighties but people with stage 4 Lymphoma don't usually live more than 10 years after diagnosis. I would like to get some cosmetic dental work done but I think is it really worth spending the money if I don't live very long?

I know that this cancer will not kill me tomorrow, or next year, or even the year after that but that doesn't mean I won't be back in chemo treatments during any of those times. As Dr. Kaplan told me about chemo treatments "sometimes the cancer comes back in three months and we realize we didn't do chemo long enough.' No wonder I am dreaming I am lost.

I am also dreading my next chemo treatment. I was so sick this time I really don't want to go back and do it all over again. I am still getting queasy when I think of Swedish Hospital. I still haven't done any research on the Internet for my maintenance program options. I don't want to think about cancer treatments. Cancer treatments are making me sick. I was never sick from the cancer.

I need to focus on fun things. I am hoping to have a party in June celebrating the fact I don't have to go to Seattle in June. I am looking foward to Dylan's senior year and traveling with him on some of his sports trips. I am looking foward to watching my boys grow another year. I am hoping that our family will take a trip together during next year's springbreak Hopefully some where warm. Anyone want to go to Hawaii with us?

Thanks for reading.

April 19th, 2010

'Okay, long deep breath, slowly in, slowly out, and again.' That has become my mantra of the last several days. Focusing on my breathing has seemed to help with my nausea. I don't know why this last treatment has made me so sick. It has been six days and my stomach is still not behaving. I have noticed that when I drink coffee my stomach does a turn for the worst and stays that way for the rest of the day. It will be ironic if I have to give up coffee because it disagrees with me. Coffee has been my one food pleasure through all of this. It brings peace to my day, until this week. I like tea and have been drinking more lately but it isn't the same as a warm cup of coffee with a bit of Half & Half.

I have also noticed I am starting to slow down a bit in my work-out routines. Last week I was swimming and stopped for a bit several times to rest. This weekend I was walking up a hill I always walk and had to slow down towards the top. I do realize that I am still swimming and I am still walking several miles at a time and that is a very good thing. It is hard though to see myself slow down. I am not depressed about it and I understand why my body needs more rest. I would just prefer to keep swimming and walking at my same pace.

Anybody want to come party with me in June? I was thinking of having a party to celebrate the fact that I DO NOT have to go to Seattle for chemo. I would also be willing to eat milk chocolate in celebration (dark chocolate isn't my favorite but better for you).

I haven't yet got on-line and researched my options for 'next step' in my cancer treatment. I am waiting for the nausea to go away so I can research without any bias. I can't believe how the nausea can make things seems so bad. I just think of Swedish Hospital and my stomach turns a few flips. I have three choices to pick from and I will discuss those more with everyone when I have a better idea of what each would mean for me. Two options involve more medicine and the third option involves doing absolutely nothing.

Thanks for reading.

April 14, 2010

Wow, I can't believe it has been 10 days since I have posted my thoughts. A lot has happened in those 10 days. First, and happiest, my PET/CT scan came back with very good news. My cancer is almost gone. The cancer is gone from my two bones and my lymph nodes are almost back to normal. I only have to do 5 chemo treatments instead of the original 6 which means I only have one more chemo treatment to go. Everyone say 'Yeah!' I was very happy about the results and I am glad my husband was there to share in the good news (thanks sweetie). It made my having to go through another chemo treatment much easier.

This past chemo treatment seemed harder to get through. The nurses had trouble finding a vein (on both days) for the IV and everything just seemed to take longer. I am also having a hard time with the nausea. Even on my anti-nausea medication I am queasy most of the day. I was sitting on the plane between Seattle and Ketchikan when I realized I was going to be sick. I ran to the bathroom and let me just say NEVER throw up in an airplane bathroom. It is awful.

I also lost my breakfast today between Craig and Klawock. I pulled over quickly and zipped out of the car. This chemo is starting to kick my butt. I am happy I only have one more session. The first night I was in Seattle we drove by the cancer clinic and I could feel myself get queasy. It will take many years for those memories to go away.

I have some decisions to make about what to do after I finish chemo. I have three choices and I need to spend the next month doing some internet research before meeting with my oncologist again and making a decision.

Please pray for a very long remission.

Thanks for reading.

April 04, 2010

It is Easter and time to celebrate the rising from the dead of Jesus Christ. My family drove to Thorne Bay this morning so we could celebrate Easter on board the M/V Christian. A big thank you to Stan and Sharon for being our hosts. It was good to celebrate with family and friends.

I actually had a quick thought of skipping the Easter baskets this year. I had already bought the candy/surprises on my last pass through Ketchikan but I was tired and not enthused about using up energy to pack plastic eggs. We have been trying to keep our kids lives as normal as possible through this cancer thing and so I got up and fixed the baskets. I didn't though find hiding places for all three baskets as usual. I just put the baskets in my closet under some hanging clothes. The kids seemed good with that hiding spot.

I am leaving again this coming Thursday to head to Seattle for my second PET/CT scan. Apparently it is the norm to have a second scan half way through the chemo treatments. The medical staff is looking to make sure the chemo is working on getting rid of the cancer. I am feeling apprehensive about this. Actually, I am expecting bad news. At my first two appointments the news I received about my cancer wasn't good. The first visit, and after my first scan, the oncologist told me my cancer was wide spread. The second visit my oncologist told me the biomarker results showed that I had an aggressive type of cancer. I am thinking that if I just expect bad news then I won't be disappointed. I am playing all the scenarios through my head, both good and bad news. I really want good news (of course). I also don't want to break down in the doctor's office again. I hate cancer. I am glad of prayer.


On a lighter note. I bought a great purse on my last trip to Seattle. It is being shipped to me and I can't wait to get it. When you see me with a floral canvas bag stop and 'ooh & ahh' over the bag, thanks.

Thanks for reading

April 01, 2010

I'm back! And, I am happy to be home. I have been gone from home for 2.5 weeks and it seems longer than that. I did my third round of chemo (more on that later) and then headed to Palm Desert California to rest up, hang out with my dad and my big brother, Peter, and wait for my family to fly down and join us. I spent considerable time in the sun and have the tan lines to prove it, yeah. Before I left on vacation I had read on different internet sites that a person doing chemo should not be in the sun. I was disappointed in that because I was planning on getting heavy doses of Vitamin D while on vacation. When I asked my oncologist (Dr. Kaplan) about this, during my visit, he said I was on a chemo that does fine with the sun, hence the great tan lines.

The third chemotherapy treatment itself went well. A great big thank you to my friend and sister-in-law Rhonda who accompanied me on this trip. Rhonda did a great job taking care of me and taking notes at the doctor's appointment. Thanks Ronda, I love you.

This is a picture of me in front of the Piroshky, Piroshky shop. I had Rhonda take this picture of me for my friend, Frances. I have met Frances only once but our families have been friendly for years. Frances was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma just a few weeks after my diagnosis. We bonded quickly due to the fact we are traveling the same dark road. She was the one who gave me the idea of starting a blog for my family and friends. Frances loves piroshkies and often mentions this eating establishment in her blog. I wanted her to know I was thinking of her. Frances, there is a Piroshky, Piroshky shop right next to Swedish Hospital, about 2 blocks from Virginia Mason. It is closer than the shop at Pike Place Market.

At my appointment I mentioned to Dr. Kaplan that I had an issue with keeping food/drink down the first 36 hours after my last chemo treatment so he put me on a stronger anti-nausea medication that went into my body along with the chemo. Rhonda later told me that Dr. Kaplan mentioned that it may cause a headache. I don't remember those exact words but I do remember mentioning that I had not had a migraine since starting chemo in January (it was not unusual for me to get 2-3 headaches a month). I can't say that anymore. I had one of the worst migraines of my life the day after finishing chemo. I started throwing up about 330 pm and kept throwing up for the next four hours. I finally went to bed when my stomach settled down. I didn't take any more anti-nausea medication. I lived with an upset stomach for the next several days but it was better than chancing another headache. I was better after a week.


I loved my family vacation. We spent some time in Palm Desert, Phoenix, and the Grand Canyon. It was sunny for the most part and fun to have some down time in the sun. This is a picture of the four of us in front of the world famous hole in the ground. Dylan didn't come with us. He went on a cruise with some family friends.

I am feeling good from the chemo treatment. I am feeling good about being home.

Thanks for reading.