In the last two weeks I dreamed three different times that I was lost. In each dream I eventually found my way but I had to do a lot of walking or driving to find my destination. This is the first time in my life that I can recall having a recurrent dream theme. I don't know a lot about dream interpretations but I am guessing that this lost feeling has to do with my life with terminal cancer. So many decisions need to be made with cancer in mind. My last PET/CT scans showed that one of my arteries had more calcification than what is considered normal for someone who is only 46 years old. My oncologist wants to refer me to a cardiologist and initially I said okay but now I think 'why'. The scan didn't show a serious problem just more calcification than normal. That would be a problem if I lived into my eighties but people with stage 4 Lymphoma don't usually live more than 10 years after diagnosis. I would like to get some cosmetic dental work done but I think is it really worth spending the money if I don't live very long?
I know that this cancer will not kill me tomorrow, or next year, or even the year after that but that doesn't mean I won't be back in chemo treatments during any of those times. As Dr. Kaplan told me about chemo treatments "sometimes the cancer comes back in three months and we realize we didn't do chemo long enough.' No wonder I am dreaming I am lost.
I am also dreading my next chemo treatment. I was so sick this time I really don't want to go back and do it all over again. I am still getting queasy when I think of Swedish Hospital. I still haven't done any research on the Internet for my maintenance program options. I don't want to think about cancer treatments. Cancer treatments are making me sick. I was never sick from the cancer.
I need to focus on fun things. I am hoping to have a party in June celebrating the fact I don't have to go to Seattle in June. I am looking foward to Dylan's senior year and traveling with him on some of his sports trips. I am looking foward to watching my boys grow another year. I am hoping that our family will take a trip together during next year's springbreak Hopefully some where warm. Anyone want to go to Hawaii with us?
Thanks for reading.
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I think it's more of a journey dream. You're on a new journey and you aren't sure which path to take. But I think that it's telling that in the dream you always find your way, even though it takes a long time and a lot of effort. You aren't taking the journey alone. We are here for you. I think in a few months, when the chemo is done and you have had a break from doctors and hospitals, then will be the time to think about getting the calcification cleared out, if that's what the doctor thinks you should do. But right now, you've got too much on your plate to deal with that. Focusing on family and other things that make your days more normal is the right way to go. I am sorry that you are so sick with the end of your chemo. I"m glad you're almost finished with it. I love you. S.
ReplyDeleteI too think your dreams are about this journey you are on. Life is all about passages, yours is unsettled right now. I vote yes on a party in June, what a fantastic idea--let me know when & where & I will do my best to be there!! Do we need Oreos & tequilla on the dock? I love you Brynn E! KP
ReplyDeleteWe are thinking alike. I am planning a party in July and a trip to Hawaii in march. Will your party be in Craig? I wish I could make it. I think I will have a party in Ketchikan and Juneau.
ReplyDeleteAs always, you're in my thoughts.
Brynn,
ReplyDeleteI think Suzan is right too...it sounds like a journey dream, and we all know that you're brave enough & tough enough to find your way through this!
I'm always here if you need me!
Much Love to you!
Laurie
I have to agree with Suzan and Laurie. Keep on being strong and know that God is walking this journey with you.
ReplyDeleteI love you so much! Wish I could take this all away.
Julie