Sunday, August 29th

I was at a social gathering a few weeks ago when a woman (who shall remain nameless) came up to me and asked how I was doing. I replied I was feeling fine and everything was going well. She then said to me 'you are looking better now than before you knew you had cancer.' I just thought, 'what the hell are you talking about?' This is the second time this woman has said something stupid to me. This past spring she came up to me to ask about my cancer because she has just heard about the diagnosis. She asked me exactly what my kind of cancer was called. I told her Follicular Lymphoma and we discussed treatments for a short bit. She then repeated the name of my cancer and said to me, 'well, at least you got an interesting sounding one.' The first time I just looked at her and said 'hmm' and the second time I think she noticed the look on my face because she started to explain her statement. I just gave her a half a smile and didn't say anything. She smartly walked away.

Sometime this past spring this exact topic was discussed on my Lymphoma website discussion board. Every one was chiming in with different statements that were said to them that should never have been said. I understand that it can be difficult to think of something appropriate to say when you are in an unusual or uncomfortable situation. Here are some things I have found helpful and not helpful.

Helpful:

• I am sorry to hear of your cancer
• What do you need?
  
• How can I help?
• I will call at different times and see if you need anything
• How is your family dealing with all this?
  
• Do you need mileage, cash, someone to travel with you, a ride, your house cleaned (naming specific things)?
• This totally sucks
• I will pray for you and your family
• I will call people for you
• You are looking good
  
• How are you feeling?
• Weekly mail from friends just checking in
  

Not Helpful:

• Well, at least you got an interesting sounding one
• Tell me about the cancer and the possible outcomes (especially during the first month, it was too new and too upsetting to discuss with everyone)
• Well, maybe it will help you lose weight (why do people think it is ever okay to comment on peoples' weight?)
• Call me with updates I don't like email
  
• You could die from cancer
• Call me if you need anything (too general, chances are I am not going to call)

The majority of comments have been helpful and appreciated and I thank you for that. It has been only a few people who have made not so great comments. I have learned a lot about what should be and should not be said and it will also help me with others in a similar situation.

Thanks for reading