November 13, 2010

I have been thinking of this blog for several weeks now, trying to figure out exactly what to write. I know the subject matter just not the exact words to describe my thoughts and feelings. I will try to put all down so it makes sense to someone without cancer.

I leave this coming week for my third round of Rituxan. I also need to have a chest x-ray and abdominal ultrasound done. I haven't had any scans since April and those results showed that my cancer was greatly reduced. I then had two more chemo sessions after that scan and the hope was that those two treatments would be enough to rid my body of the cancer. I will find out if that is true on November 23rd when I visit my oncologist. This date, November 23rd, is significant because it is the one year anniversary of my cancer diagnosis.

It has been a long year.

I didn't want my appointment on my anniversary date but that was how it worked out. I didn't want my appointment at all this particular week but between holidays, work and sports schedules that is how it worked out. It just seems really ironic to me. Exactly one year after my diagnosis I will find out if five months of chemotherapy and seven rounds of Rituxan were successful. It is also the week of my birthday and Thanksgiving.

I don't know about my future birthdays but the first birthday after a cancer diagnosis and treatment is significant. A friend of mine who went through cancer treatments the same time as me had her birthday in early fall. I asked her if she took time during the day to close her eyes, breath slowly, and center herself in all that occurred since her last birthday. She said yes, she had done that, and the day was very emotional for her. I am thinking my birthday will be very emotional for me also. My birthday is after my scan and the day before I see my oncologist. I won't know the results of my scans on my birthday. I will know the results before Thanksgiving. I am hoping Thanksgiving will not be a day of sadness. In my head I keep going back to my first appointment with my oncologist. After he told me my scan results I felt like I had gone to Seattle for a death sentence. I know now that is not true. Lymphoma, nowadays, is often considered a chronic illness because of the advancements in medicine. A person can live many years with Lymphoma. I don't want to live many years with Lymphoma I want to live many years without Lymphoma. My scans will tell me what I will be living with.

What I remember most of my trip to Seattle last year is the darkness of the drive to the hospital for my appointment and the darkness of the drive to my sister's house after my appointment. My appointment was at 5pm so night was already falling. We were at the hospital for a good 2.5 hours so when we left it was even darker. I wonder if I had received good news if the darkness would not have stuck so much in my mind. My appointment this time is at 9am. I hope it isn't a dark day and I can remember more light. Cancer does not just play with your body it also plays with your mind.

I could use your prayers.

thanks for reading

brynn